Memories of Christmas Past, Peace in Christmas Present

Well, it's the best picture of Bear I could get on our walk tonight. These are my favorite neighborhood decorations.

Christmas is different for my family this year. Most of us cousins have said goodbye to our parents in recent years.  We lost an aunt and our mother three months to the day of each other this summer. Of the six siblings, only the oldest is left; my Uncle Gene, who is 90.  I learned that Uncle Gene’s wife is not doing well and was admitted to a hospice house yesterday. They live in another part of the country, and I have not seen or talked with either of them in several years.

I called my uncle tonight and wished him a Merry Christmas.  His voice shook when he said, “There’s nothing Merry about this Christmas.” He said he was in the car and on the way to see his wife, and she wasn’t doing well. “I know about Aunt Eda,” I said, “and I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, and I love you very much.”  I could hear the emotion in his voice as the tears fell.  On his short Uber ride with my cousin, we reminisced about when I lived in the East Bay of California, and I visited him in San Francisco once when he was there for a conference.  “Oh Yes! I remember that. We had such a nice lunch!”  “I’ll never forget it,” I responded. “It is a special memory of you, and I hold it close to my heart. You are a favorite uncle, and I love you so much.” 

He spoke of his travels to Europe and how he’d drive to North Carolina to see his siblings each year. I never knew he made those overseas trips three to four times a year! “Those days are over,” he said with a crack in his voice.  “I was thinking the other day, if I wanted to drive back down to North Carolina there is no one to see. They are all dead!”  “You still have your nieces and nephews,” I countered. Although I know it’s just not the same, or possible for him. Traveling was an important part of his life, and now he has an album of memories to call on. I can only imagine how hard it is to be 90 and the last living sibling of six with a wife who is dying.

 “I need to get off the phone now, Julie. We have arrived.”  Bringing the call to an end, I told him to give my aunt my love and I’ll send her a letter this week.  He promised to keep in touch, as I want to hear about his travels to Europe and the time he flew on Air Force One with Eleanor Roosevelt.  

It’s never too late to reconnect until it’s too late.

The best parts of life are the people we love.  It’s a sad Christmas Eve for my uncle, yet he is blessed in so many ways.  He has been with the woman he loves for nearly seventy years. His children are healthy and doing well. Despite being born into a life of poverty on a tenant farm, the man my grandfather farmed for put him through college. He went on to have an amazing career in public television and has lived to see 90. He is loved by many. His is a life well-lived. 

After our talk, I harnessed my Golden Retriever, Bear, who is a year old Christmas Eve. We took a sweet little walk around our peaceful town and took in the Christmas lights. It’s one of my favorite activities on Christmas Eve.  The dogs and I are on our own this Christmas. My mother outlived my father by 23 years. It’s not the same since she died. I walked the streets of our little town and wondered about the people in those cutely decorated homes, their joys, grief, family drama, and the lonely ones.

I have a lifetime of memories of Christmas Eve past, like the times the cousins came to visit, and rode on the fire trucks in the annual Christmas parade down Main Street in our one-caution light town.  Afterward, we’d see Santa at the end of Main Street by the huge Christmas tree and tell him our Christmas wishes. He’d give us a little bag filled with the old-fashioned hard Christmas candy, an apple, and an orange. The candy would stick to the apple, making it particularly tasty!  My mom would fill her dining room table with treats and the cousins played while mom and dad, the aunts and uncles talked and laughed. I’d go out at night and look for Rudolph’s red nose before bedtime.  They are good childhood memories.

Now at 58, with no children of my own, I choose to find peace and savor the quietness of the night. I light a candle for those who have passed, cuddle with Bear, and watch old Christmas movies.  I connect with friends and family and savor gratitude for my life just as it is. I count my blessings.  Those who have passed are as close as a heartbeat away and I can feel their presence.

I am grateful for everyone who has graced my life and wish you all a peaceful and joyful Christmas present. Embrace the ones you love while they are still here. Remember those who have passed and know that they are with you still. Whether or not you receive a sign, a dream, or some other form of communication, keep the faith that they continue and when you think of them, they think of you.  Like the light of a star that died millions of years ago, they continue to shine.

If you are alone this Christmas, or missing someone or a special pet, hold on to the memories that make you smile. Gratitude and acts of kindness are salve to a lonely heart. Reach out to the ones you love. Reconnect. Let the memories you make in the present be cherished.

Wishing you all a blessed holiday season and a prosperous new year. 

Julie